Saturday, October 31, 2009

Satire + Learning

By Evil Hans

Today is a post about satire.

In my hearing, satire was discussed, because, that was essentially the defense I had throughout the process.

The board members, the complainants, and others involved had a few differing opinions as to what satire was. I was intsructed to research satire, and to report back my findings. Here they are:

Encyclopedia Brittanica defines satire as such:

In satire, human or individual vices, follies, abuses, or shortcomings are held up to censure by means of ridicule, derision, burlesque, irony, or other methods, ideally with the intent to bring about improvement.

By this definition, my blog posts would certainly fall under the umbrella that is satire. Let's look at some other definitions.

definr.com defines satire as witty language used to convey insults or scorn

I would say my blog was generally above such a benchmark. Some posts were certainly scornful, but the majority were not, and that was generally not the intent.

Dictionary.com defines satire as:

1) the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2) a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.

So there is a general consensus here. Satire is a way of exposing a vice or a shortcoming by means of the vehicle of literature, the performing arts, and in this case, internet based media.

But regardless of whether or not this blog has constituted satire, it has been deemed hurtful. And that's the bottom line. Direct and public insults of individual people are generally going to cause problems, whether or not they fit into any particular genre of writing. I was naive to think that my words wouldn't have any impact. I was lazy in bluntly criticizing people as an excuse for comedy when I'm perfectly capable of higher standards. I've learned that societies cannot function at optimum capacity without some basic morality. And some of my posts went beyond what I myself see as ethical, and that doesn't even take into account others view of what is acceptable conduct.

at 7:05 PM 0 comments

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Best Post Ever!

By Snails Person

I've become a little fed up with advertising lately, mostly because I live in an apartment on the corner of my building and have an extra window that has an absolutely stunning view of the Cruzan Rum billboard across the street. My other window overlooks the massive Arby's Roast Beef logo. This thing isn't just that fucked up little red curly que (I'm not really even sure what the fuck the arby's logo is supposed to be.. I think it's supposed to be a hat, but it could also just be a massive, two-pronged roast beef tumor growing out of somebody's head. I know my mirror cuts off about mid-forehead because I swear to god every apartment or hotel is built for midgets, so I'd never notice it.).. anyway, it's not just the standard red hat, it's decked the fuck OUT. It has lightbulbs all around it, it's the size of a U-Haul, and the words "Arby's" "Roast" "Beef" flash intermittently. So let's just say that I have a fucking great view.



Speaking of hotels being built for midgets- never mind.

So I was walking back on Washington Avenue when I saw another billboard for a musical called "The Chorus Line" at the Orpheum. It was advertised as being "The greatest musical of all time." Not only is it definitely not, but they seriously couldn't think of anything, could they? I mean, some of the greatest musicals of all time- the Wizard of Oz, Les Mis, they've got something going for them, something worth putting on a billboard- like, "The Wizard of Oz. Remember those munchkins?" or "Les Miserabales: It's not just for Jews anymore". Maybe some of their ads would venture to say "best of all time". But the chorus line? I don't even know what the fuck that is, but it sounds like a pile of shit to me.

Which brings me to the new iPhone. Now I've always loved Apple products, especially the new Rock Band: Beatles game, and I'm sure the new iPhone is great and everything, but for the love of god.. just watch this.

HOLY SHIT!! Has god himself instilled some of his almighty power into the new iPhone? What the fuck would Jesus do with this phone? Now I know it can take pictures, and he'd have that all over Facebook, with captions like: "just healing this blind guy. Righteous!" and then some guy would comment "wow that blind guy looks so shit faced!" then jesus would reply "i know i rubbed shit all over his eyes and told him it would cure him LOL!"

But shit, the new iPhone has video? Are any other phone manufacturers anywhere near this new frontier of portable media? Time will tell.

at 12:02 PM 1 comments
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Friday, June 26, 2009

A Lunds Update

By Evil Hans

  • I work at Lunds every damn day. If I have a day off, then I take someone else's shift. And then I don't have a day off.
  • Everyone at Lunds is great. I haven't posted in so long that I have a million stories.
  • I yelled at some Russian woman yesterday who tried to return some potatoes. Well she didn't tell me they were a return and so I charged her for them. She didn't have a receipt either. As my manager, sometimes known as Behlkesaurus Rex, says, WHO DO I LOOK LIKE I'M FRICKIN SANTA CLAUS EAT YOUR DAMN POTATOES. The irony of course, is that he sort of does look like Santa Claus. Anyway, she got the refund because the only person who cared that she didn't have a receipt was me. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way.
  • I'm now the fastest cashier in the store. Well I am since we started getting rid of all the cashiers that were faster than me. And also no one really cares.
  • I stocked milk last night. It took me an hour and a half, but I must have done it wrong since the morning dairy lady had a nervous breakdown over it.
  • I had an aisle ambassador shift. I took this shift a) because I'm the nicest person in the world and b) because I need the money way more than 14 year old mini horses do. All they spend it on is gum and like, cosmic bowling or some shit (It's only taken me a couple years to get completely out of touch with our nation's youth). But anyway, since this job requires one to do absolutely nothing, the Hoff had me spy on a potential shoplifter. That shoplifter happened to be a decrepit old woman who stole a single peach or apple every time she came in. Nevertheless, she was crafty. She wouldn't move if I was in plain sight, so I had to hide behind the Redbox. And as soon as I made my move, she made hers, because next thing I knew she was walking out of the store with a peach shaped lump in her jacket pocket. I told the Hoff I didn't catch her. He told me about a customer he had with large breasts.
  • I was witness to an amazing phenomenon. Apparently, if you give a mini horse an apron, they think they matter. I've been trying to emotionally sabotage this kid ever since as penance for his obstinance.
  • I was mystery shopped. I was working as a carryout at the time, and as a carryout, the one basic rule is that you give the customer the type of bag they ask for. Here were my results.
Hans was joking with Conor (Who was cashiering) but included us in the conversation. Conor asked if I would like paper of plastic. I said paper but was actually given plastic. Hans then thanked me for coming.
  • So basically a carryout has one major responsibility, and that is to bag groceries. I didn't even have the fortitude to give the customer the correct bag they asked for. Nevertheless, I received a perfect score, which defies all reason.
  • A foreign man with a large mustache, cowboy hat, and leather jacket full of American flag decals came in. He claimed he had built a rocket he could use to fly to the sun in three months. He claimed he would not burn up in the sun's heat, and he would also be free from policemen shooting him in the head. I salute this man.
  • An old lady asked me where the pears were. I told her we had several types of pears and showed her a few. She then stopped and yelled, "YOU'LL NEVER KNOW AS MUCH ABOUT PEARS AS ME!"
  • A crazy old man named Glen came in the other day. Or rather, he comes in all the time; he's quite a delight. This time a mini horse was trying to lift his 24 pack of Ice Mountain water. He and I remarked on how comical this was.
Me: Hahahaha she sure is small, huh Glen?
Glen: Indeed! This brings me amusement. Do you weigh 98 pounds little girl?
Mini horse: Umm..
Glen: Well, at least you'll never be fat!

He then proceeded to tell us how in all his business life, he never hired a fat person because they clearly lacked self discipline. He also never dated a "fat gal" and claimed his wife was super hot. He was writing his check the whole time, and every time he spoke, he stopped writing. But in truth, I would much rather listen to Glen then help the next customer, who I believe turned out to be a bitch.
  • The other day, Samrivkin told me he found me much more tolerable lately but couldn't figure out why. He then remembered it's because I hadn't blogged in a month. Anyway.

at 7:01 PM 1 comments
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Monday, June 1, 2009

Look what I made!

By Molleen

To keep our minds off the strange controversy that Hans has been going through, let's look at what I have been working on for the past few weeks (because I am vain)! I am trying to be an RA (Resident Assistant) at my university, but I am currently on the wait list, so I decided to send all the RDs (Resident Directors) that I want to work for this. I want them to consider me if an RA is needed in there building. In conclusion, I am quite proud of it. So, I hope you enjoy it!

(click to enlarge)



The story on the left is a true story from Tanglen (if any Tanglen alumni read this), yes, Molly and I were EXTREMELY lame...and still currently. The rest is related to my university and what I have done, blah blah.

Enjoy!

-Colossus

at 7:22 PM 3 comments

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Satire

By Terrance

Here, as promised, is my last post to Hans blog.

As ridiculously archaic as it may seem, while attempting to research what satire is I found myself in front of the Oxford English Dictionary. After disturbing the layers of dust that had settled on this tome since as I have been gone I read the following, “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose or criticize people’s stupidity or vices.” I thought the definition pretty clear but decided to dig a little deeper.

A hop, skip, and a jump later I found myself at Wikipedia, the 8th wonder of the world. After browsing noncommittally and discovering that the incident in Sri Lanka is over I found myself square in front of the following information, that satire’s Latin roots are satura lanx which means "medley, dish of colorful fruits". I bring this to my step father, who took some Latin, and he explains that when broken further apart its Latin roots are ridiculing prevalent vices or follies.

I then poked at the Wikipedia outer limits, also known as the links leading away from Wikipedia, knowing full well that no self respecting scholar would ever cite Wikipedia as a source. It seems that in western literature satire goes back to the works of the ancient Greeks. The most famous satirist of that day was Aristophanes who wrote The Clouds. This work held Socrates, one of the great thinkers of his day, and many consider, our day as well, up to ridicule. Socrates’ concept of immortal ideals, which were only reflected on earth, are ridiculed by placing him in a basket hanging between earth and the heavens. It is rumored that Socrates attended the play and was enjoying it right along with the rest of the audience.

This tells me something about satire. The purpose of satire is not to be malignant nor hateful. The purpose of satire is to hold someone up to the light for close inspection, to let a persons faults, all of them, gleam under a duel microscope of humor and wit. More often than not these faults are magnified to a ridiculous level. This often leads to grossly exaggerated events and people who are made the subject of ridicule in fun. However, this can be used as a learning tool, one to grow upon and learn from. Perhaps satire can tell us more about those being satirized by their very reaction.

Of course if the purpose of satire is not to be cruel than you need to consider the object of satire, and how they might react. That really depends on the source of your mockery. Jonathan Swift, the great author himself, when mocking the ministers of the crown during his day, had nary a care for how they would react (unless it was to chop off his offending organ). In our day Gray Trudeau probably did not care if former President G.W. Bush Jr. was hurt or offended when he was depicted as an empty roman soldier’s hat.

But who are these great satire’s mocking? Most often I find that the Satirists are mocking the establishment or persons who represent the establishment, pointing out the inconstancies and flaws that make it a terrible and/or great place. Then the next question is: who was I mocking? A fellow college student. Someone in a similar position to me in both intellectually and in maturity. In such an instance, a satirist needs to more carefully evaluate whether the target is truly deserving of the ribbing that they wish for the other person to receive.

I do have the freedom to publish my own opinion and to have them, thank God (and I have that right to believe in that too). Still, there is a difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. I didn’t break the letter but the spirit needs mending. So I once again apologize for how my words were used. The language used was inconsiderate and mean-spirited which is not truly the purpose of satire.

at 12:03 AM 2 comments

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Hamline Spotlight: Richie

By Evil Hans


  • We return to spotlighting Hamlonians with Richie, everyone's favorite Richie.
  • The thing about Richie is that he never speaks, he stands in corners, and otherwise doesn't intrude upon anything. When spoken to, he responds with nervous stutters and pauses, like a cartoon character who's been caught red handed. Or rather, a mix between Porky Pig and George W. Bush. Which only serves to make Richie more endearing.
  • Richie will do any favor you ask. Or at least he'll do any favor for someone he's friends with. I haven't tried; I don't like to exploit Richie.
  • If you stare at him while he eats, he can't eat. One day, Tommy tested out this theory by staring Richie down just as he was about to eat his dessert. Richie couldn't eat it. Tommy urged him on, saying, "C'mon Richie, you were doing just FINE. Eat up!" Richie went hungry.
  • One day, Richie was up late on his laptop doing homework. When he was done, he left. Without the one thing he had brought, his laptop. He came back and retrieved it, and he was then officially christened as Neville Longbottom.
  • Last night, I went downstairs without my I.D. So I couldn't get back upstairs. Luckily, Richie walked by and let me up. As he went up the stairs, he started mumbling and then screaming. I asked what was wrong. He said something about a Calculus and a Biology final, and how he had studied for the wrong final. I thought, "Poor Neville." Later he joined us again to study. We had a pan of wings and pizza rolls, but only two wings and one pizza roll left. There were four of us, so we couldn't decide who should get what. Richie strode over, took the entire pan, and went back to his study corner. And no one seemed to mind. And that pretty much describes Richie.

at 7:53 PM 1 comments
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